Sunday, March 21, 2010

My Daddy

11 years ago today I was 14 years old enjoying life. I remember this day like it was yesterday. I just came home from a friends birthday party and there was a knock on my door and there stood my Uncle Shed at 1am with this look on his face that would change my life. My Father was dead.

8 days before my 15th birthday my Dad was in a car accident and died; I shut down. It was the first time that I didn't really speak and had no emotion. I took it harder than anyone would ever known but I kept it all to myself. I felt if I didn't share my feeling on my Dad it would be a part him that just belonged only to me. This is the start of the "bad girl" creation at this point I didn't care anymore. I acted up and out..allowing suppressed emotions to bring me to boiling points.

I loved my father and I thought he was the coolest man to walk this earth. Just like any young Dad there were issues but I knew my Daddy loved me and I loved him. He was a Chicago Firefighter, his last house was at Meigs Field Air Sea Rescue. (I told ya'll he was cool) He was smart, educated, gorgeous and a force to be reckoned with! My dad would pick me up from school, show up to my school events and all the single Mom's loved him! My temperament is 100% percent my Dad where as my laid back side is my Moms. I like to think they both just even me out but I do tend to have more "PAUL MOMENTS" in my life.

I party like a rock-star during my birthday week to fill a void of missing him making myself believe it was in celebration of his life. I've never taken the time to visit his grave site before today. But, today at 26 with a 17 year old sister (we have the same dad) I stand stronger than I have ever been in life. Today at noon I will visit his grave site with my close family and friends. This is huge for me but its time. For so long I've used my dad as an excuse to be BAD, but today I use his name to be GREAT! Oh don't get me wrong I cry my eyes out all the time over him I just never wanted to share. I know deep inside my father would be so proud of me and the things I have done! I am just like him! Today as the tears fall they are tears of GREATNESS. Tears of knowing that I will see him again. Tears of love and passion! Tears of strength! I stand stronger than I ever have! I have come so far and I'm such a fighter that I can not give up now! Shit happens but we determine our destiny. My little sister is laying next to me as I write this blog at 3am and I look at her and she looks like him and it reminds me of what my purpose is here in life again! I have accepted that things happen for a reason. People are placed in your life for a reason and taken for a reason!

At 14 and losing a parent that I loved 8 days before my birthday tore me up inside, but I totally understand what GOD was trying to teach me. PAUL STEVEN TORRENCE I love you with all my heart there isn't another man in my life that can compare to how I feel about you! Your name tattooed on me for a reason, down to every memory that I have that will never be erased! I know that you are proud and I am making all the changes just as you would have wanted me to GREATNESS is the goal!

You rest in peace because where you are can not compare to where we are! Nadia is sleeping right next to me and I promise I will look out for her and take care of her. You already know I got her! I am sharing with her all my memories of you. We love you DADDY! Your girls will forever be your "GIRLS" and always your angels our halo's are just a bit tilted.

To my family and friend who have helped me through this situation with love and understanding: my Aunt Tracy you are so strong I admire you. My Mother, My Nana and Grand Daddy for words of strength. My Ashley Thomas for always being that friend that just plain out understood me when no one else did! To everyone for all the love and support of everyone who genuinely cared! Thank you!

So let's bask in being GREAT because we are GREAT! Live life to the fullest and never have regrets!
Greatness is in the air©*

*I wrote this at 3 am it all over the place so forgive me*


  1. Sis,

    One of the Greatest/most difficult things we can do in life is really face our emotions and grow from that encounter. You have made that step. I am proud of you, I too, had to face similar emotions (my situation is a little different). My father is one who I see all the time but, who would maliciously refuse to acknowledge me as his son. Still to this day he won't admit it. Everyone else in his family does but he continues to deny. He would try to embarrass me in front of people when I would approach him. It took me til I was in my mid 20's to really face my emotions/reality. Its painful and hard but there is so much growth. Wish I was there to go with you. You are making a step that will bring about those emotions that will resurface and be just as painful but necessary. I'm proud of you!!!! Just writing this is causing those emotions that I have become good at surpassing, to resurface so I will stop now.



  2. I feel you girl.

    My bf died when I was 14.
    It forever changed my life.

    But it makes you STRONGER & a better person.
    more appreciative to life.

    Your daddy would be sooo proud!!!

  3. How proud your Dad must be of you.

  4. This made me tear up! And this is a reason I call you my role model! And this is why You are a BadGirl Turned into A Good woman! Tiff I felt this and you are as real as they come! Greatness is all around you and God will Bless you with the turnarounds you made in your life to become a better person! I don't even know you personally but I love who you are!

    Khadijah (Can't wait to meet you on March 30!)

  5. You are truly a great person, I lost my mother 4 yrs ago and it just like yesterday, she was my best friend and I have been lost without her. But it is time for me to great again as well, thank you for your words. @tblessed

  6. Accountability! When we are accountable for what we do, say & share it can be a life changing moment for everyone including the ONE steppin up to plate to deliver!!! Well said Tiff love Auntie Tracy